The Wizarding Wireless Network
by Revti
Summary: Welcome to the wizard radio! Do join us for some really whacky shows, hosts, guests and songs! We take all requests and dedications. Stay tuned.
1. Pilot

**The Wizarding Wireless Network**

To all those who've come here from 'Together', thank you sooo much for your feedback, and I really wish I could continue, but I'm afraid I won't be able to. However, here's a fic that should hopefully turn into a series. 

There are no OotP spoilers in this. 

DISCLAIMER: Oh everybody knows. JKR's is JKR's, Revti's is Revti's. 

* * *

Back at Hogwarts after Christmas, Ron proudly hauled out a small black square box with a crude mouth drawn on it from his trunk. "Radio," he informed Harry. "Charlie sent it to me. We have one at home, but it's extremely old, and after ten minutes of listening the sound fades away."

"Oh cool," Harry said. He'd never heard the WWN that he kept hearing students talk about. "Turn it on, let's see."

Ron fiddled with a tiny dial, and a golden aerial emerged from the top. The box contracted, and ripples passed through it. Ron set it down on the table.

The mouth shape opened under the aerial, and a voice loudly echoed around the dormitory.

"Welcome, welcome, to all those who've just tuned in, welcome to the Wizarding Wireless Network! My name is Bartholomew Wolfgang Richard Abercrombie, Bart for short, and I'll be taking you through 'til 5 o'clock. Coming up in the next hour: special interview with Glenn Tourn, Chaser and Captain of the Chudley Cannons--"

"Oh, oh!" said Ron excitedly.

"-- great music, exclusive premiere of 'Get your broomstick and get out' by the Weird Sisters, owl post, and lots more! So stay tuned! But, before that, here's a quick word from our sponsor, the Comet Trading Company."

"Hear hear, all you Quidditch fans, now you can pull off those cool moves you see in League matches too! The new Comet 300 incorporates amazing acceleration- naught to seventy-five in ten seconds, and is crafted by the bext wizards in the business. It has never-before control, allowing you to turn 180 degrees in 2 seconds, giving you that extra edge over your Quidditch buddies! Just send in an order by owl post, along with 40 galleons, to The Comet Trading Company HQ, Diagon Alley, London."

"Thieves, oh they're thieves," said Ron, pulling his homework towards him. "40 Galleons! You can get a decent Cleansweep for 20."

"Er, okay, if you say so," Harry said. Considering he'd never bought a broomstick in his life, he wasn't really with the prices and features thing.

"Of course, Cleansweeps really don't give that much control, but they're faster and hardier too... Depends, of course, on what position you're playing... For a Keeper a Comet's best, because you don't really need much speed, and for Chasers too, since you need to keep the control, Seekers of course prefer Cleansweeps because of the speed..."

By the time Ron's chattering died down, it was halfway into a song, that apparently was about a house-elf's attachment to home and master.

"_Oh these clothes... keep away those clothes..._

For Kirry wants to serve you... for ever more...

Wash and cook and clean and sweep,

So that master has a lovely place to sleep..."

They looked at each other and grinned. "Why do I think Hermione'd be having fits if she heard this?"

"Time for our first owl message of the day... This one's from Madam Monks, _Hey Bart, it's my son's birthday today, and I'd just like to wish him a very happy seventy years, and hope that he'll have seventy more, like his mater. There never was anyone like him for Soothing Draughts. And oh yeah, can you please stop playing that Weird Sisters rubbish? It really hurts my ears. Can't we have more of some of that Muggle jazz you played the other day? My Kneazle really liked it._"

"Well well, Madam Monks, I'm afraid the Weird Sisters are extremely popular, I can't not play them. Wishing your son a very happy seventieth birthday. Here's a song about the good old days."

"Let's write them, Harry!" said Ron excitedly, as a sad refrain rather like Augurey song began. "We can get our messages in by the end of the show!"

Harry stared down at the homework he was supposed to be doing. "Name seven uses of a bezoar." Snape would kill him.

He grabbed a parchment, scribbled a message, and tied it to Hedwig's leg, while Ron tied his message to her other leg.

"WWN HQ," Ron told her. "Go quickly. As fast as possible."

Hedwig hooted and set off through the window. 

"And now we have, our guest of the day, Glenn Tourn of Chudley Cannons fame! Hello Glenn, welcome to the show."

"Ron, you need to start breathing again," Harry advised.

"Oh right." Ron sucked in a deep mouthful of air.

"Hello Bart. How's life?"

"Excellent, excellent. Now tell me, the one question on everybody's mind... When are the Cannons going to come back and win a significant game?"

"The next one against the Caerhilly Catapults is in our pocket," said Glenn confidently.

"Why did you join the team six years ago, Glenn, when you could have had your pick of any number of teams? The Montrose Magpies, for example, tried really hard to sign you up. Why did you ignore arguably the best team to join one, that is, frankly, considered by serious Quidditch fans to be something of a joke?"

"Joke, my foot!" hissed Ron angrily. "Show him, Glenn!"

"Well Bart, joining the Magpies and winning regularly isn't much of an achievement. I wanted to turn Chudley's luck around, and I took it up as a challenge. Besides, since childhood, the Cannons have been my very favourite team."

"Well Glenn, what did you think of the bumphing incident in last week's match against the Falcons?"

"The Falcons are a nasty, cheating team, who don't hesitate at anything to win matches! At least we at the Chudley Cannons are true sportsmen, who believe in fair play. I cannot believe that Mark Armstrong actually expected us to believe that his aim went awry when he hit that Bludger. And of course, my sincerest regards to Hilda Brown and her family, I hope she recovers soon."

"Are you referring to the spectator who got hit?"

"Yeah, her."

"Heidi Green."

"Right, whatever."

"And you believe that without that incident you would have won that match?"

"Absolutely. We were 10-140 at that point, and if Giles had caught the Snitch after that, we'd have won."

"Er, okay. Do you support stricter penalties for fouls?"

"Yes. If the punishment is higher, players will be more careful about fouling."

"Any message for fans?"

"Yes. Let's all just keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best."

"Right, thanks a bunch Glenn, for giving us your precious time. And best of luck against the Catapults."

"Thanks Bart. Nice being here."

"Well people that was Glenn Tourn, Chaser and Captain of the Chudley Cannons. Let's take a commercial break, we'll be back in four minutes. Drop those wands and keep listening." 

Harry tuned out the Comet ad, and came back halfway through an advertisement for 'Dear Madam Marie.' "Dumped by your boyfriend? Want to get back at a two-timing friend? Can't stand your parents? Tune in to 'Dear Madam Marie' every day from 7-8 pm, and get practical and unique solutions to all your relationship problems! Hosted by the great, the inimitable Marie Joan Ross!" 

"Hey people, welcome back. As promised, we have more owl mail here.... _Hey Tourney, Chudley's the dumps, you all deserve to rot in hell._ And, _Bumphing should be made legal. It gives zing to the game. Frederick W._ Then there's _ Bart, I love you, marry me._ That one must be from Eliza March, my greatest fan. She proposes to me every show. Sorry Eliza, I remain a one-witch wizard. _I'd like to inform Horton Fitzgerald that he's a double-crossing old git, and I'm on to him. Watch your mail, Horton. Everybody compliments me on my mailable hexes._ That one's anonymous. I think I can safely advise Horton Fitzgerald to watch his back. I wonder who that was from...? A cheated girlfriend? A deceived business partner? A betrayed friend? Anyway, I'm going to leave you with the exclusive radio premiere of 'Get your broomstick and get out' by the Weird Sisters. Here's an owl treat for you... Maryann of the Weird Sisters is currently involved in her sixth divorce from a Muggle she married a year ago. She says that no wizard has spunk enough to be her man. Anyway..."

Deafening rock issued from the radio, only it seemed to have a lot of strange instruments, including banshee shrieks.

"_You make me sick, _

You really are the pits...

Get out, get out, get out,

Or I'll blow you to bits!"

Harry met Ron's gaze and raised his eyebrows. "Well that's one witch I wouldn't want to get involved with," he grinned.

"Here we have two more messages from fans... This one's from er, Ron Weasley of Hogwarts, _Hello Mr Tourn, I just want to say that you're absolutely fabulous, and I know you're going to win the League next time, no matter what anybody else says. I'm your number one fan, you know. I'll never stop supporting the Cannons. Go Chudley!_ And here's one from, sweet Circe, Mr Harry Potter. _Hi Bart, first time I'm listening to wizard radio. It's really great, better than the Muggle one. I was just wondering, could you tell me the seven uses of a bezoar? It's for my Potions class, my professor would kill me (he really would) if he knew I was listening to radio while I could've been doing my homework. So, please?_"

"Real smart, Harry," Ron mouthed.

"Why sure Mr Potter! As far as I can remember, the first use is as a Divination crystal, my aunt also used to use it as a talisman against vampires, and er... I'll have to get back to you on that one... All you listeners who know the uses of a bezoar, do write in before the show ends!" 

"What a git," sighed Ron.

"We're going to take a news break now... But I'll be back in no time at all, playing more of _your_ music. Stay tuned. This is Bart on the WWN."

"I wonder if the WWN's less prejudiced than the _Daily Prophet_," said Harry thoughtfully. 

"Good evening all you witches, wizards and Squibs, my name is Candy Cameron," said a honey-voiced witch.

"The top most item in today's news, is, of course, the great cauldron exposition being held off Diagon Alley. Crowds thronged the place, which has a never before selection of pewter and gold cauldrons. The cauldrons on sale included various sizes, shapes, designs and thicknesses. Says Madam Marsh, "I always needed a thick cauldron for my Scouring solution, because it used to burn right through the ordinary one. I've searched high and low, only to find it right here at Diagon Alley at the expo." According to Warlock Fanges, "My son used to pester me for a solid gold cauldron for his various alchemy experiments, and I found one here at a ridiculously cheap price." The exposition is on for another week, so make your way to Diagon Alley soon.

"Also, Madam Hortense has applied for a patent for a new Quill, which she claims transcribes of its own accord, and is offering it at a special discount to students who don't want the bother of taking notes in class. Ministry officials have yet to verify her claim, although an annoyed-looking one told a WWN reporter that it sounds highly unlikely. Madam Hortense is quoted as saying that it's a legal, non-offensive version of the Quick Quotes Quill that is frequently used by unscrupulous reporters. That's all for today's news."

"They couldn't be bothered with the earthquake in Africa, could they?" said Harry darkly. "What about the brewing anarchy in South America? Oh no, Self-transcribing Quills are more important."

Ron gave him a sympathetic look, "Some of it is really rather frivolous."

"Get rid of those irritating Horklumps! Make your needles knit stunning patterns! Are you despairing of ever getting your cleaning spells right? Keep your ears peeled for Madam Emily's Household solutions at 5 o'clock."

"Well come on, give me the uses of a bezoar!"

"Hi and welcome back. I'm Bart and you're listening to the WWN. Time for for owl post... _The WWN is not a homework channel, Harry Potter. Use the library._ And here's a helpful one... _A bezoar is used as an antidote to most poisions._"

"Yeah thanks, I already knew that," Harry mumbled.

"_I'd like to dedicate the next song to my husband Rory, we celebrate our anniversary today. From Sharon._ Okay Sharon, here's the next song for you and your husband, 'You're all I have' by the Dancing Dervishes."

Harry sighed and rose. "Library time, I think." 


	2. MWPP on WWN

**The Wizarding Wireless Network **

Chapter 2: MWPP on WWN 

_I think you might find this interesting, Harry. Remus._

Harry stared down at the note, then at the small sphere he held in his hand. It was a shimmery ball, with golden sparks dancing inside it. He'd been examining it for half an hour, trying to figure out what it was. He'd tried clutching it in his palms, like a Remembrall, but that hadn't worked. He'd searched it thoroughly for some sort of knob, but there was none. He'd waved his wand at it, to no effect. He'd peered into it, shaken it, rolled it across the floor, and played catch with it.

Then suddenly something clicked and he remembered the rows of shelves in the Ministry of Magic. This was some sort of recording. 

Those had played after being shattered. That most certainly wasn't the only way.

He pointed his wand at it and said, "_Play._"

Immediately voices echoed from it.

"And she now says that she cannot imagine life without--"

A sudden burst of static nearly deafened him. 

"I think that was okay, check, Wormtail..." His heart leapt up to his throat.

"Is it working?" asked a familiar voice.

He'd heard those voices before... In somebody's memory...

"Padfoot, you recording?"

"Yeah, you ass, you're on air... Speak!"

"Oh er right, I'm sorry everybody, especially you, Sandy, I have nothing against you, but you're a rather boring radio host. Wormtail, turn the bloody radio off! Er, as you've guessed, me and three of my friends have patched onto the WWN transmission, for some time today, as long as we're in the mood, you'll be receiving a broadcast direct from Hogwarts and free of all commercials. Fear not, WWN, we shan't put you out of business... It's just for a couple of hours to alleviate our boredom. I'm Prongs, I can't give out our real names, because we're really _bored_ of detention, and anyway Moony's a Prefect, he'd get in trouble. So..."

"This is Padfoot, hunk extraordinaire."

"Moony the Loon."

"Wormtail."

(A/N: Henceforth, initials are used, P for Prongs, M for Moony, W for Wormtail and S for Padfoot)

M: "Okay, we invite you to send all owl post to the Come and Go room, Hogwarts."

P: "And before I forget, can I take this opportunity to say that James Potter really really likes Lily Evans, and will she please, pleeeeease go out with him?"

Harry snorted.

"He's a friend of ours," added Moony hastily, "and he begged us to give this message."

S: "We have another personal message. It's for Severus Snape. An anonymous person would like to tell him that he is a greasy git and does not wash his pants."

W: "Well well, look! We have our first owl! It's from er, Evans, and she advises Potter to stop being such a show-off."

P: "I am- I mean, he is not!"

M: "That's not all, Prongs, she says she's 'going to go to McGonagall if we don't get off air right now.'"

"She's a Prefect," Padfoot informed the listeners, "and thinks that her sworn duty in life is to make us miserable."

"Take that black, Back!" snarled Prongs. "I mean, take that back, Padfoot! She's an angel, someone you're not fit to..."

S: "Yeah yeah, Prongsie, we've all heard that before."

M: "Stop making it obvious, you morons!"

"Okay well, Evans, go ahead. tell old Minnie. We have some goods on you too," said Padfoot nastily. "I don't think you'll dare."

M: "Here's our next owl. Er....... never mind."

There was the sound of rustling of paper.

M: "No really, Si-"

S: "Let me look!"

M: "Padfoot, no!"

S: "_I think you have a really sexy voice, Moony._" Loud shouts of laughter followed. "Kieren from Hogsmeade. _Will you autograph this and send it back?_"

P: "Ho ho, Moony has an admirer! Moony has an..."

M: "Shut up!"

W: "Go ahead, sign that note, Loony!"

M: "Here's another one. Nice owl, by the way, whoever sent it. Er, that would be, Tina from Ravenclaw. Hi Tina! You wouldn't be Christina Rogers, would you? Anyway, _Great job, guys. We prefer you any day to old Sandy. His voice is rather like Binns's._ Yeah actually, Tina. I never thought of that. _You from Gryffindor, right?_ Really can't say. _If Professor Flitwick is listening, please don't give us too much homework tomorrow, we really need to practise for our match with Hufflepuff._ Hear hear."

P: "Coming up now is one of Re- Moony's favourites, a Muggle disco song!"

The loud refrains of 'Staying alive' filled the room, while Harry fidgeted.

W: "Back again, we have five more owls- _Sirius, I love you, go out with me, please, pretty please?! You're so hot and you're so cool! I can barely concentrate when you're in class with me. You know who I am._ Are you listening, Sirius, are you listening? There's, _Can we please have some non-Hogwarts-centric stuff?_"

S: Let me do that. _Play me 'Lullaby' by Celestina Warbeck._ And oh, _Amos Diggory is such a hunk_. You're kidding me, that git? I hope that's not you, Tess, Sirius would be sooo mad. _James Potter, you conceited ass, you're not exactly being very secret about your identities, are you? Anyone with half a brain could put it together. And you can't have any goods on me. I have no past. Lily._"

"Lily, sorry to inform you, one of us here is possessed of an Invisibility Cloak. We know stuff," said Moony in a dramatic whisper.

P: "And you're still listening, Evans. What does that prove?! And we sort of know that we are a bit obvious, after all, there's no one else at Hogwarts with the brilliance and gumption and ability and talent to patch onto the WWN transmission."

M: "Anyone else here think that Lily's epithets are a bit justified?!"

S: "Here's another one... _Do this more often... You're taking me back to my good old days at Hogwarts. Is that batty old poltergeist still around?_ Very much so, er, Ms Harriet."

P: "We'd also like to remind everybody to support Ravenclaw in this Friday's match, because if they win, Gryffindor goes through to the finals against them."

S: "Anybody read that news about those new Dungbomb thingies Zonko's has come out with?"

W: "I heard they really stink. Ha ha."

P: "We can get some next weekend while ol' _sexy-voiced_ Moony is off with his new girlfriend."

There was the distinct sound of a scuffle and things being knocked over.

S: "While Prongs and Moony beat the crap out of each other, I'd like to inform you that we are running a poll... Which team is going to win the League finals next Tuesday- Kenmare Kestrels of Puddlemere United."

"Puddlemore!" shouted Moony faintly. Then, sounding breathless, he said a little more clearly, "The Kestrels really screw up during important matches. Puddlemere have got an excellent team since they replaced their Keeper and Seeker."

P: "The Kestrels have got better broomsticks though. They'll be faster."

M: "Doesn't compensate for talent."

Prongs sounded glum. "I wish the Arrows had made it to the finals. If only that idiot Kayle had caught the Snitch instead of winking at Morgana."

W: "She is good-looking, though."

P: "Yeah, that's because she's half-Veela. She really shouldn't be allowed to play. Unfair advantage."

S: "It isn't fair that I'm handsome and you're not, is it, Prongs? So you can't really blame her."

P: "Ha. You wish. And leave aside looks, she can't be allowed to use her charms for distraction! That's like using magic against the opposing team. The Department should do something about it."

"Prongs used to wish he could be the Harpies' team manager," said Padfoot in a confidential whisper. "That was before Evans, though."

Suddenly there were sounds of squawking and flapping. 

W: "Prongs just Transfigured Padfoot into a crow. He's really good at Transfiguration. He helped us all become... er, never mind."

M: "Turn him back, you idiot."

P: "Should teach him his lesson."

S: "Oh you are so dead, Prongs, soooo dead."

P: "Dear dear me, I seem to be breathing, and, gasp, I'm still talking too! Tough luck, Padfoot, I'm very very much alive..."

S: "Not for long, not--"

"Hello, testing. Testing."

"We seem to be back on."

"We are extremely extremely sorry for the interruption, we assure our listeners it will not happen again..."

The sounds faded away, and Harry stared at the sphere, a warm glow of happiness spreading inside him.

* * *

~ I invite suggestions for song/ band names, lyrics, adaptation of Muggle lyrics for wizards, themes, hosts, guests, shows. Everybody is welcome to send in owl post on the review board, with requests, dedications, and whatever you want to say. I swear, I'll feature every interesting letter. ~ 


End file.
